Am I Ascending or Dying?
During last Sunday’s channeling of Yeshua and Mary Magdalene, a woman asked a question about healing from sexual abuse. What happened next amazed me. Rather than immediately responding to the content of the question, Mary Magdalene responded with a flood of feeling. She went into a depth of grief I have never experienced before. She began to cry through me, weeping for the pain that this person, and so many others with similar experiences, have gone through. And she expressed her great sadness to the woman, several times.
I know it was Mary weeping and not me because I have always been extremely blocked and unable to cry, except on rare occasions. I know it was her grief, because I was aware of my own response to the question, and I would not have gone into grief. I would have responded on a more mental level, answering with ideas, not feelings.
It’s not that I would have been cold or uncompassionate. I was aware, at least to a certain extent, of the trauma this person had likely been through. I would have responded with sensitivity.
But I wouldn’t have let myself feel their grief, not to my depths. I wouldn’t have opened myself to the full extent of what this person had probably experienced. I don’t live like that. I have guarding to protect myself from feeling pain, especially when it doesn’t seem to involve me.
But I experienced Mary as having a very different response. What I experienced is that Mary doesn’t separate herself like I do. She didn’t separate herself from the person who asked the question. And she didn’t separate herself from the pain.
As I write that, I imagine you asking: “Is that wise? Is that safe? Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?”
I asked myself the same questions.
Is it safe to trust this world enough to open to it fully in feeling? Ultimately, I think that’s deciding whether to trust God. Or as they say in 12-step groups, coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
We’ve been living in an “insane” world that has taught us that we can’t allow ourselves to feel everything. It’s not safe. We won’t survive.
Yet I believe Mary is calling us to the exact opposite—she’s inviting us to feel everything. I think she would say that’s the direct path to our sanity, if by sanity we mean well-being in God. And it’s also (not coincidentally) the path to the Feminine.
Every time we hold back from feeling to any extent, we’re holding back from the Feminine. We’re denying the Feminine. We’re saying we don’t want the Feminine, don’t need it, and would be better off without it—thank you very much!
But Mary says differently. And I saw on Sunday that Mary lives what she teaches. She feels completely. 100%. No holding back. Nada.
So those of us who love the Feminine, who long for the Feminine, who are calling for the Feminine… Are we really ready to do this? Because it has to start with us. Otherwise we’ll just be being a wolf in sheep’s clothing—pretending to be the Feminine but still acting out the Masculine-denying-the-Feminine.
And that’s what I saw about myself. I still have a ways to go to stop denying the Feminine, first and foremost in myself. That brings me grief.
Thankfully, there’s more to this story. I got more than just a reflection from Mary of how I’m still shutting down to feeling. I also received an enormous blessing. It’s taken me nearly a week to understand that part. But now the pieces of the puzzle are coming together and I’m starting to see the whole.
After the channeling, I was exceedingly exhausted. I felt perplexed by that because I’m usually enlivened from channeling higher beings. Experiencing their state so directly has the effect of lifting me up into their energy and consciousness.
So I wasn’t expecting to be so exhausted after the webinar. I attributed it to all the work I’d done to create and manifest that event, which had been considerable. I took the rest of the day off, relaxing with friends and going to the ocean. Yet the exhaustion continued throughout the following days, to the point that I started to wonder what was going on. Had I really burned myself out?
I woke up on Thursday in a dramatically different state. I felt like I was halfway out of my body. My physical state seemed strange and unfamiliar, and I found myself struggling to perform ordinary activities. I had the thought that maybe I was dying, even though I didn’t really believe I was physically dying. But that was the closest thing I could relate what I was going through to.
I also had the thought that maybe I was ascending, going into the fourth dimension. That felt very taboo to even consider that, let alone hold it as being what was happening. “Who do I think I am? Jesus?” Yet even Jesus said “All this and more shall you do.” And isn’t ascending what I’m helping people to prepare for through all the work I’m doing? So maybe it was possible that it was actually happening, though I fundamentally doubted that, too.
A few hours passed and I asked a friend to be with me. With her holding me, I was able to let go further into the process. I began sobbing deeply, feeling the pain of the third dimension. At the same time, I was feeling volts of electricity (which I guessed was kundalini) blasting away at my second chakra, the center of my emotions. I felt like Spirit was trying to break through my blocks to feeling that I hold in my energy-body.
At some point the pain of this realm that I was experiencing became personal to me. I felt my own pain of never being able to do enough to relieve the suffering of this realm. And then the storm subsided. I became calm and felt myself surrounded by angels. I felt their peace and joy as my own. And I received the understanding that this is always my state. Peace and joy are continuous, even in the midst of pain arising. It’s like the sun, which is always shining, even when clouds occlude it.
The only thing that cuts me off from peace and joy is if I choose to stop feeling. If I shut down in order to not feel pain, I also stop feeling joy and peace. On the other hand, if I feel the pain, it resolves itself and returns me to what’s prior. Ultimately, that’s God.
Of course, this is exactly what Mary teaches in Mary Magdalene Beckons. And opening to my second chakra was the first practice I was given by Mary in Sublime Union. I was just experiencing myselfat a whole new depth—a depth I don’t tend to be aware of. I was being shown my refusal to feel at this depth, and being asked to let go of that refusal.
It really was a death. A part of me has learned to survive by cutting off from feeling at this depth. That part was dying.
Now I feel more sober about the ascension process. I understand that we’re going to have to allow our old ways to die for new ones to come in. That means parts of usdying. Ways of being that we’ve crafted to survive or protect ourselves or feel safe. We’re being asked to let go of those and open to new, higher, more supportive ways.
That takes trust—trust in ourself, trust in life, and ultimately trust in God. Trust is also a very Feminine attribute. It’s part of our inner Feminine, regardless of whether we’re men, women, or whatever.
So the gift I received is to feel and trust. I’m still integrating it. And it is a form of death to my old familiar way of being and surviving.
My belly feels very vulnerable, ready to contract and shut down at every lapse of awareness into the old, familiar pattern of defense. My energy body feels exceedingly sensitized and I’m aware of its high vibration, almost like the vibration of a hummingbird’s wings. My mind feels a bit dazed, yet it’s slowly starting to relax and integrate the new. And my heart feels like it’s beginning to open in a new way.
I’m especially excited about my heart.
I have a feeling of concern about the response this may bring up in all of you. I can imagine you might feel averse to the idea of needing to feel everything, including all the pain. Maybe you’ll decide you don’t like what I’m saying and will leave. That possibility feels both scary and sad to me.
The reality is, I’m still not thrilled about “feeling everything.” I wish there was an easier way. But I don’t think there is.
However, I have one big “ace” on my side. I may still be learning to fully trust God, but Ido trust Mary Magdalene. I have the advantage of getting to feel Mary so directly. The same is true of Yeshua. Their state of being is supremely attractive. I have no question about my desire to attain that state myself.
So if feeling is what it takes, I’m willing. I hope you are, too, because I want companionship on this path. I already have some really good spiritual companions in high places. They’re inviting all of us to join them with open arms. And open hearts.
©2016 Mercedes Kirkel, http://www.mercedeskirkel.com, All Rights Reserved. Permission is given to share this message as long as the message is posted in its entirety, nothing has been changed or altered in any way, and the post includes 1) the title, 2) “Received by Mercedes Kirkel” beneath the title and above the body of the post, 3) this copyright notice (full paragraph), and 4) Mercedes Kirkel’s website (http://www.mercedeskirkel.com).
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