The Orgasm Gap ~ Why Orgasms Are So Misunderstood
By Kalee Brown, 03/09/2017
Sex is often considered a taboo topic, even though the media constantly uses it to divert our attention to advertisements, music, and the entertainment industry as a whole. In reality, sex is not only a gift that allows us to procreate, but also a tool we can use to learn more about ourselves, our bodies, and even our inherent spirituality.
Thanks to the media and the porn industry’s portrayal of sex, many people seem to think the entire point of intercourse is the end game: the orgasm. Not only is that extremely short-sighted. since sex is just as much about connection as it is pleasure, but a lot of people don’t orgasm during intercourse, particularly women. A new study looked at the sex lives of 52,000 adults with varying sexual preferences in hopes of finding an explanation for “the orgasm gap,” or, in other words, why people seem to think that men orgasm more frequently or more easily than women.
The Study All About the Art of Orgasming
A team of researchers from Indiana University and Chapman University recently published a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior on the orgasm gap, or the notion that some groups of people, particularly men over women, orgasm more frequently during sex than others. This is often brushed off as a hoax, or another sexist statement, but their survey showed that it does hold some truth.
The team surveyed 52,000 people with different sexual preferences, including straight, gay, lesbian, and bisexual men and women between the ages of 18 and 65. The survey results indicated that 95% of heterosexual males orgasmed during sexual acts with their partners, whereas only 65% of heterosexual females did. In fact, of all the categories the team looked at, heterosexual women always reported the lowest percentage of orgasms.
Bisexual women reported they orgasmed 66% of the time, so slightly better than heterosexual, and lesbian women reported 86% — a significant increase. 88% of bisexual men surveyed said they orgasmed every time, and this number reached 89% for gay men.
The study explains:
Compared to women who orgasmed less frequently, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to: receive more oral sex, have longer duration of last sex, be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed, call/email to tease about doing something sexual, wear sexy lingerie, try new sexual positions, anal stimulation, act out fantasies, incorporate sexy talk, and express love during sex.
I don’t think any of that necessarily has to do with being a woman, but rather being a human being who seeks connection with others. Clearly, sex is more pleasurable when it’s not just that — sex. I’d like to bring your attention to the final element of the equation, which is to “express love during sex.” Isn’t sex itself an expression of love? Whether that be love for the Self and/or for your partner, this act represents an intimate bond between two people, or more specifically, between two souls.
What Does This Say About Sex Culture?
Thanks to the current sex culture, there’s a stigma surrounding “people forming attachments” after sex. Numerous people engage in “one night stands” or relationships with “no strings attached.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, as it’s not beneficial to form attachments to anyone (though it may be difficult); however, there is no such thing as “no strings attached” when sexual intercourse is involved.
Have you ever felt such a strong bond to someone that you feel extreme empathy toward them, even if you don’t know them well at all? From an energetic perspective, this is because we’re all deeply connected and because we’re vulnerable to other people’s frequencies. It is said that you should choose your five closest friends wisely for this reason, as their vibration will affect your own. I would argue that you should exercise caution when choosing your sexual partners for this exact same reason as well.
If you’re having sex with someone, an act that physically connects you in the deepest way possible, it makes sense that their energy would be imposed on you. Furthermore, it is said that when you have sex with someone, their aura leaves an imprint on you that is difficult to energetically cleanse yourself from. So, if you’re sleeping with someone who has slept with ten people in the past, and that individual hasn’t cleansed themselves from their former partners’ energies before, you may be susceptible to eleven people’s energies. This also creates an energetic tie between you, and if you’re not mindfully detaching yourself from your sexual partner, then it makes perfect sense that we “become attached” and disregard the whole “no strings attached” theory.
Why The Orgasm Is So Misunderstood
I believe that our current sex culture perpetuates the idea that the orgasm is the be all and end all of sex. It’s considered the goal, which is perhaps why so many people in this generation refer to intercourse as “scoring.” However, I believe that this concept is extremely short-sighted, as I think that sex is meant to be an intensely spiritual practice, and one that can offer you more pleasure than the actual orgasm itself.
I believe sex can be used as a tool to deepen our inherent love and connection to one another through practicing tantra, which is Sanskrit for ‘woven together,’ and Taoism. Both tantra and Taoism encourage different methods of creating and building sexual energies between two partners for spiritual enlightenment. Although tantric sex is typically practiced with a partner, I believe that, through this practice, you can come to understand yourself better on a spiritual level. In fact, a neuroscientist recently conducted a study which suggests that orgasms feel so good because they allow us to access an altered state of consciousness (read more about that in our CE article here).
One of the ancient practices within Taoism is controlling the male ejaculation during sex. Taoist practitioners believe that the loss of ejaculatory fluids equates the loss of vial life force (or “jing”), so by learning to conserve the sperm, men can redirect the energy of the orgasm throughout the body.
This doesn’t mean that men should never orgasm; it’s simply a spiritual practice worth practicing on occasion that can actually bring more pleasure than ejaculation when practiced correctly. Some Taoists believe that by redirecting the energy upwards toward the crown chakra, it can provide nourishment to the brain. In modern sex culture, some people refer to this as “edging,” although many men may do this for different reasons.
Women can also redirect their sexual energy by moving it upwards, although this wasn’t studied in the practices nearly as much. However, sex was viewed as an empowering act for females, as they can bring forth life and act as “tutors” for their partners during intimacy. Women were and still should be viewed as equals to men during sex, so it should be noted that these practices are only useful when both parties are consensual.
I also think the female orgasm is vastly misunderstood, as so many people seem to think that it’s more difficult for women to orgasm. Although the study clearly suggests there is truth within this, and the researchers actually suggest a “golden trio” of moves you can read about here, I’d argue that it’s more so the lack of connectivity that prevents women from orgasming. I’m not just referring to the absence of romance, but also the tendency for partners to only focus on themselves during intercourse.
I believe we’ve lost touch with the inherent connectivity that takes place during sex. Both women and men are treated like “meat,” as if their physicality is the only reason sexual intercourse should take place. When it all comes down to it, the physical realm is an illusion, so the real question here is: Who is the soul you’re physically connecting with, and why were you drawn to them in the first place? Perhaps by answering that, you can actually improve your sex life. Who knows, maybe in your quest for a more connective sex life, you’ll end up learning more about yourself along the way.
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